Before I had my first baby, I had visions of what the first few days following the birth would be like. I imagined sitting at home staring into my baby’s eyes, overwhelmed with love for this new being that I had brought into the world. The reality was somewhat different.
To sum it up, I felt awful. Every muscle in my body ached from labour and having been confined to a hospital bed for two nights. My privates were swollen, painful, and even sitting (which I discovered was what I spent the vast majority of my time doing, seeing as though that’s the position I adopted for feeding) was unpleasant. I continued to bleed and was changing hideously thick maternity pads every few hours. After the first 48 hours or so, the almost continuous breastfeeding had caused my nipples to become sore and cracked, and before long I was curling my toes in agony every time my son fed. The constant feeding made me feel quite dizzy and dehydrated. I spent a lot of time half naked (topless mostly) because this was the easiest way to feed without getting the baby tangled in several layers of garments. Additionally, I was emotional thanks to the legendary “baby blues.”
When I awoke on the third day post partum, I was taken aback by my new look. My boobs were, quite frankly, like a pair of enormous rocks stuck to the front of my chest wall. They were engorged, veiny, solid and leaky. I was covered in sticky breast milk and I looked like a porn star (my husband didn’t seem to mind this, but I was less enthused). I also felt generally unwell and had a fever (which I’ve heard can happen when lactation starts sometimes). I had not believed the sales assistant in M&S a few weeks prior when she told me I would need to kiss goodbye to my decent underwear for a while because “you’ll be in maternity bras for some time, dear.” I now found myself feeling rather foolish that I hadn’t prepared myself better, but I had no proper nursing bras and I suddenly found that none of my bras fitted me. Cue an emergency trip to the shops to purchase some much needed maternity lingerie, and me standing there red-faced as my boobs dripped milk like a faucet as I tried the bras for size. That evening I felt completely inadequate because now I was so engorged that the baby couldn’t latch due to everything having changed shape and size. I knew my sole purpose was to feed the baby and I felt like I couldn’t even do that. As guilty as I felt, the seemingly never-ending conveyor belt of visitors did not help my stress levels either. I felt like an emotional wreck.
Initially, my nipples were in such a state that I struggled to even tolerate a breast pump. The only relief I found from this was getting into a hot bath or shower and hand expressing. This really did help. After a while I pumped for relief. I remember sending an excited message to one of my best friends with a bag full of yellow tinged breast milk stating triumphantly “I have relieved my engorgement finally!” They replied, congratulating me. It is sometimes these small things that can really boost your morale.
My husband was very excited after Henry was born, and this resulted in him inviting what seemed like the whole world round to our house to visit. I know he meant well and it was lovely that people were excited to see Henry, but this was sometimes a bit of a struggle in the early days. In between the frequent feeds all I desired was sleep, and this was easier said than done with a house full of visitors. Henry always seemed to sleep when being held by someone else, and then woke up screaming and hungry as soon as he was handed back to me. As soon as another visitor left, I was feeding again and wished I’d had the time to catch up on sleep when I was making tea and small talk with them.
The first few days (well, actually even the first few weeks) after having a baby are tough, there are no two ways around this. My advice to any new mums now is to have a few days to yourself when you get home to get used to everything and establish feeding. Also take the time to rest up- you have just been through the process of giving birth, and whether that be by means of a vaginal delivery or a caesarian section, it is normal to feel exhausted and in a varying amount of pain. On top of all that, you are suddenly in possession of a newborn baby, a.k.a. a “sleep thief.” It is not especially easy to learn how to parent a new baby with people constantly at your house (unless they are willing to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry thus leaving you time to study only the baby). I was so grateful when I received a visit from a friend who had a 7 month old. I offered her a tea and she told me to sit down immediately and that she would make me a tea. People who have had children themselves are often very understanding of your situation. You will be tired, sore and probably half naked whilst you try and get the baby to latch for the first few days. Sleep when you can, sleep when the baby sleeps. Don’t feel guilty for not wanting to entertain every friend and acquaintance you have ever made in your life. Getting showered in the first few days is an achievement. Putting make up on is worthy of a medal. It is normal to sit on the sofa all day with the curtains closed. You will leave the house again, but it takes a bit of time to recover and get used to things. Give yourself a chance to settle down.
The baby seems to poo continuously for the first week or so (maybe even longer, I can’t quite remember). As a result, you will feel as though you are constantly changing them. We are all familiar with that feeling of having just sat down with a cup of tea and then hearing that ominous squelching sound that usually equates to an explosion down below. Occasionally we are pleasantly surprised to find that this is nothing more than a powerful fart, but visitors are less easily convinced. Yes, almost invariably when anyone else holds the baby and there is the slightest vibration from down below, you are met with panicked cries of “he’s filled his nappy” or “he needs changing immediately!” Eventually you will be tempted to reply “do you shit yourself every time you fart?! No, I didn’t think so. Well neither does the baby, believe it or not!” (However, he did seem to poo every time I sat down, every time I tried to go to sleep, every time I tried to eat, every time I presented him to the GP/the midwife/the health visitor for inspection or weighing, and just all the time generally.)
The baby is also an highly intelligent being who can somehow sense when you are trying to get something done, trying to sleep, trying to eat etc. They will invariably cry because they have soiled themselves, decided they are hungry or just because they are tired etc whenever you attempt to do any of the above. Do not worry, you do not have an excessively fussy baby, they all do this. They all “know” somehow. If any especially helpful people ask “what on earth have you done to that child to make it cry so?” or “what’s wrong with it?!” Do not worry, babies cry. It is their only way of communicating. They can’t express to you in words what is going on with them. They cry. Do not panic or freak out every time. Also ignore any one who does. This is easier said than done in the beginning, but you will get good at it, trust me.
If you can get help in the form of family or close friends etc who are willing to stay with or near you for a while following the birth then I urge you to accept it. Having someone to help with chores, cooking, and to just generally hold the baby for a short while to give you a bit of space is indispensable at this time. Do not be afraid to ask for or accept help if you can get it.
Believe me when I tell you, things do slowly improve. Also, if you decide you are crazy enough to do this more than once (which a lot of you will after you’ve forgotten the initial shock) then you will be surprised at how much more prepared you may be a second time. When I had my second son I had made it clear to my husband that I needed a few days of quiet time immediately following the birth to recover and get used to things. By the end of the first week, we were dressed, showered and presentable by 10 am and stood in our bedroom looking at each other. There were no visitors to be seen. “So, what shall we do now?” we both asked in unison. “Maybe we should invite people over” we concluded.
