As you approach your due date, you may notice that all of a sudden you seem to have a new found popularity and you are starting to hear from an awful lot of people. This list may include some individuals you haven’t even conversed with in months or years. Yes, suddenly every mere acquaintance you have ever made is texting or calling you to “see how you are.” Some even go much further, daring to attempt to delve into more intimate detail, questioning whether you have had any cramps, tightenings, a show,…… FLUID LEAKAGE,………. MUCUS?! and maybe the most annoying “any signs?” (I mean what even are these legendary “signs” anyway?!) By the end of trimester three, it is almost impossible to discern which organ is hurting whenever you feel any sort of twinge from your pelvic region. What would normally be easily identifiable as a uterine cramp often turns out to be nothing but gas. There is a constant battle for space in your pelvis and everything is squashed and painful, and now you feel yourself slowly getting more and more irritated by the sudden rush of enquiries when you don’t even know what is going on with your own body anymore. Not to mention the fact that you are starting to worry about labour, the birth, whether you will go overdue or not etc etc etc.
You know deep down that at the end of the day, although you get the odd genuinely nosy parker, most people are just excited to hear your news (or maybe to invite you out drinking with them again after a long hiatus, who knows). So how are you supposed to react? As tempting as it may be to reply with a less than polite emoji or something along the lines of “ask any further questions and you’ll never again see sunlight” it is best if you can bite your tongue. I don’t have a specific answer about how one should respond to these unwelcome probings, but rest assured, this is something that happens to almost every pregnant woman (unless you have a surprisingly early arrival and deliver before anyone has the chance to start asking). I am not sure it is something that can be understood until you have been there, and I hope maybe my experiences can help you to remain as tolerant as possible during this peculiar time. I mean, when else in your life does everyone and their cousin take such an interest in your reproductive system? Never.
Let’s cut to the chase- what we all know is that these “well-wishers” really want to say: are you in labour yet/ undergoing a c-section as I am typing this text (as if you would be in much of a position to reply if the answer was yes to either of these), are you being induced, or have you secretly had the baby and are in hiding at home, evilly denying visitors the chance to coo affectionately over the new addition?! Whereas there may be a few strong but silent types out there who do keep the whole new baby thing to themselves for a while, most of us are breaking the news of the arrival to the whole world pretty soon after the little one takes its first breath.
In my latest pregnancy, I received my first “any twinges?” message at 34 weeks. Yes that’s correct, if born then and there, my bundle of joy would have been premature and likely to have complications. Yet still there were those who felt that I should be getting on with things at that point. For some reason the masses are seemingly desperate for these babies to arrive before they are even due. I have no idea why. It didn’t stop there. After the first queries, more messages followed. Had I had any cramps/tightenings/ “signs” (that word again-aaaahhhh!!)? Did I think that maybe the baby would come early?! (this latter one is one of my favourites-erm, let me just get my crystal ball out and check for you….oh yes, your guess is as good as mine…..no f**king idea, mate). For me, the expectant mother, this sudden concern with my wellbeing was, quite frankly, nothing short of one of the weirdest things I had ever experienced. Here are a few more of my favourite questions and answers with regards to the fascination surrounding my uterus.
Text from well-wisher: Happy due date! (paraphrased, have you had the baby yet? If not you are now almost overdue- HA!) Me: Haha thanks! Oh yes it’s my due date today, I had almost forgotten (as if!) because I am actually at home hoping to win the Euromillions tonight! (By the way, I actually was doing this with my first son and I later calculated the odds of a Euromillions win to be in the region of 1/33,561,158,400 and so even if you feel as though you are going to be pregnant forever, you are actually far more likely to have a baby on your due date than you are to win the Euromillions.) I actually did win about £90 on that day and I also went in to labour so I suppose you could class that as a success. Playing the lottery is also a welcome distraction for you, just FYI.
Text from well-wisher: Any signs of the little one yet? Any bump movement? Me: Let me just check between my legs…..nope the baby hasn’t fallen out without me noticing. The bump is still there, thank goodness.
Text from well-wisher: Have you had the baby yet? Me: Not yet, the baby isn’t even due for another 2 weeks. Well-wisher: The baby is obviously far too comfortable in the oven. What I wanted to say, but managed not to- He/she is not “far too comfortable” in “the oven” (by the way, this “oven” is my uterus, in case you’ve forgotten). He/she is not even due yet. And I am glad HE/SHE is comfortable because I’m certainly not.
Text from well-wisher: Any fluid leakage? Me: (Firstly, that’s waaaay below the belt and I can’t believe you’ve actually asked me that). Well I thought so until I realised I had just wet myself. By the way that happened to me at 39 weeks with my second baby. There was a knock on my door and I opened it to find an Amazon delivery guy with a package to sign for. Unfortunately, I was struck by a sudden, violent coughing fit a split second after opening the door and sadly my weak pelvic floor let me down big style and I full on pissed myself there and then. I do not mean there was a slight leakage, I mean it was running uncontrollably down my legs. Thinking on my feet, I suddenly exclaimed “oh my gosh, I think my water just broke” and luckily he seemed to believe me and instead of the situation being even more awkward, he suddenly gasped and congratulated me on my impending arrival. Feeling somewhat embarrassed (not to mention guilty for lying to him) I closed the door and proceeded to put my clothes in the wash, have a much needed shower, and endure endless teasing from my husband about having been incontinent in front of a complete stranger.
Text from well-wisher: Still pregnant? Perhaps a curry would help to move things along nicely? Me: Nope, would rather swallow a flaming sword or iron my own gullet than suffer the refluxy consequences of a curry. (In other words, it was clearly a MAN who came up with that labour induction strategy as no pregnant woman in her right mind would be up for that beyond about 35 weeks. Even if it works, I don’t care).
Text from well-wisher: Go for a nice long walk. Walk the baby out. That’s supposed to start labour. Me: I currently resemble a beached whale with a boulder wedged between my thighs that I am trying not to drop, resulting in a gait akin to a rhinoceros who has shat themselves. Today I will mostly be lying on the sofa eating crisps (not spicy ones, for the record- see response above).
Text from well-wisher: Oh, you are not in labour yet. Go home and have sex to start things off. Me: I am never letting a penis near me ever again having realised what damage it can do.
Text from well-wisher: Any news? Me: Yes, Brexit is a shambles and the government is in turmoil. Oh……you meant baby news. Oh. Nope.
Text from well-wisher: Any twinges? Now, last time I was pregnant I was lucky enough to receive this common message when I was in labour. I bided my time and replied later that evening after the baby had been born. Me: *sends picture of baby* YES, I suppose you could say that I had a few “twinges” earlier today! That, I have to admit, was one of the most satisfying text messages I have ever sent in my life!
When it was me, I didn’t mind my close friends (we share a lot anyway) asking me for updates. Recently a few of my best friends have been blessed with new arrivals and I found it difficult to know how to act because whereas I didn’t want to annoy them with anything like the above messages, I didn’t want them to think that they weren’t in my thoughts at all. I found that they appreciated the occasional “hope you’re ok” style message. This meant they knew I was thinking of them, and sending a simple statement rather than a question meant they realised that I didn’t necessarily expect or need a reply and that I was genuinely wishing them well. If you are running out of patience or you don’t feel inclined to answer any intrusive queries, you could always keep your due date to yourself (keep them in the dark!) or perhaps put an announcement on your social media accounts stating that you will update people when you have any news to share. If not, if you can’t say anything nice then it may be best not to say anything at all. I sympathise with your irritation, but as I mentioned earlier, it happens to almost all of us. It is not uncommon to get an apology months or years down the line from a previous “well-wisher” who has recently found themselves heavily pregnant and bombarded with “have you had the baby yet” style queries! Meanwhile, enjoy your bump (as much as you can!) whilst you still have it. A couple of uses that I found for mine in the later stages of pregnancy are shown below.
